You know when life is going so well and you think you are so lucky. Life is good. life is happy. life is full. Well, you think it is.

Then little things start to show and you start to realise things but are too scared to admit it and talk about it, because it would seem real and you know what that means.

Life is so very unexpected and you think you have finally found happiness and think that someone or something would make you happier. And you look for that something and you see that it is all roses and life is full. Then you start to lose your own happiness, your own spirit, your own life, your friends, your freedom. And you don’t know who to talk too as you think they will judge you. You don’t know what to do as you are so scared. And To me lately AGAIN, life is always full of disappointment.

Personal. Career. Family. Relationships. Friendships. Everything lately seems to be falling apart and I have no control over.

You do everything right. Everything what they ask. Everything they wanted. Everything you thought would help. Went out of your way to make them happy, and even that person, that business, just anything and it still wasn’t good enough. You did everything right, sacrifice everything (health, family, mental health, friends, life) only to get it thrown in your face.

I think I am writing this because I know what it is like and life is fucking hard. And I personally find my happiness, find who I am and throw it away time after time.  I am 33 years old and still learning and still growing and I will never stop. Life was never meant to be easy but it shouldn’t be this hard, or heart breaking. I just don’t understand how life has been like this and why. And even the people you thought loved and who support you more than ever say and do the last thing you though they would.

33 years old and thought and hoped my life would be totally different. Sometimes I wish it was but other times I am glad I am here and gone through what I have. Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here writing to you today. But it has been hell, definitely has not been easy. I have wanted to give up so many times but I am only 33 and life is not over yet. I have so much living to do. I need to get my book published and live the life I want and have wanted for a while. This Season is all about Em Bell and finding herself again and discovering who she is and where she has gone. But it is also about helping people, being there for them, letting them know it will be okay and life is hard, life does suck, life is a bitch but life is also and can be good.

The hand we have been dealt lately, we need to play the cards and finish the game. And then start fresh. Let’s start a new game. Let’s deal a new hand. Let’s show them who is boss.  

You have got this. and I have got you. My darling I believe in you. You are never alone.