Lately I have been putting on a brave face and trying to keep it together. In the last two months. My sickness and health have been struggling and I have been in intense pain every 2 weeks. I am under a lot of stress due to study, work, health, license, finance, and everything else. And it is all taking its toll on me. It seems I can’t do anything right and when I do, something bad goes wrong. I recently got verbally abuse in my workplace. And it brought up my past and I haven’t been handling it very well. my thoughts haven’t been all there and aren’t the best. I honestly want to run away and not tell anyone and get away from it all again. being verbally abused again and in the workplace is horrid. And worse is they deny it at first. I honestly don’t want to go back. And to be honest I haven’t in a week. And want an easy way out. But I made a report and spoke to the bosses and things got sorted. Although I was shitty myself, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, I was stressed to the max. overthinking every scenario. In the end it all turned around and a good outcome. 

Life is definitely hard, and there are so many obstacles that get in the way. And I don’t have the answers. I don’t think anyone does. When I get down like that, I think about my story and wish it didn’t happen that way. But then if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and wouldn’t be where I am and know the people I know. The hand we have been dealt seems to be mostly bad for some people and good for others. But we all have our own good and bad shit happen. Some people you wouldn’t even know what’s going on. Some of us hide it by; drinking, smoking, eating, not eating, phones and social media, work, hiding at home, distancing themselves from life and people, by talking, or even by writing. The thing is when we get in this situation, we need to find someone, friends, and happiness in the midst of all this and talk it out. Because it will be better for you and to be honest, we all need help.

I think I am writing this to you and to me. Is because life is real. Shit does happen. Bad shit happens to good people. And I am here to remind you and myself that We all need ‘That Person’ and ‘That Place’ (previous blogs of mine, if you need to remind yourself).

You my darling are here for a reason, and you are loved. We are all created differently and different shapes and sizes. Different minds and how they work. Different careers, qualities, personalities. We are all unique in our own way and we bring meaning to the world each one of us.

This is a letter to you and to me. Because I needed to remind myself this time. And if I write about it and tell you, I can be reminder and hold myself accountable but also not to be too hard on myself.

from em bell x