You know in life when you dream of something, becoming something or being something or someone. And when that dream doesn’t come true or can’t happened because your body is so fucked up. And you had to have everything wrong with you. You never see it happening and you give up. Well I always wanted and always dreamt about being a Mum. But since I was 24 I have been told it cannot happen. You won’t be able to have kids. You have PCOS, don’t ovulate, endometriosis, uterus cancer (a form), cervix cancer (half cervix is cut out).

No cure for PCOS as it is a syndrome. No cure for endometriosis unless gets worse. Cancer at this stage no cure. And we got it early but it is a form and it is in my cells. And can come back.

So you stop thinking about it. Put it away. Deal with it. Process it. And think it is never possible. You give up. And you tell others you don’t want it anymore and I don’t want to go through it again, there is no point.

And you realise later on that it is all a lie in your head. You still want it. You still dream about it. You still hold onto it and still want it. But you become so scared and nervous and you want to cry when you think about it, because you have been told at least twenty times or more you can’t and it will be very hard for you. And you start to believe it all and the lies your ex told you. So you shut it all off and out. Because you don’t want to go through the heartache again, the thousand tears over and over, the let down, the feeling you let everyone down around you, that you failed, that you could of done things differently. So many thoughts in your head running around like crazy 100 miles an hour.

But you still dream about being a Mum. But what do you do. what do you believe. What do you tell people. What do you hide. What do you show. What do you do.

So we get dogs. Drink. Smoke. Work extra. To hide away the truth and the pain. And put on a brave face. So no one else knows. And you continue to be brave. Walk tall. Head high. And do what is needed. And don’t stop so you don’t feel.

You changed the subject in a conversation quickly and get off the topic off you so no one sees or knows what is underneath and what you are hiding.

Life is shit. Life is good. Life is hard. Life’s a bitch. And the hand we have been dealt we need to play it out. But sometimes you don’t want too. You just want to throw it in and give up. But something stops you. I have held it together for years now. Because I had to deal with it, I had to put it away and had to believe it will never ever happen. So you do. and then it comes back. But you are so scared how do we go on.

Lifes a bitch by em bell and this is part of my story.