When you are in such an unhealthy relationship, and you do not realise. And you give up on your dreams, friends, and your own life. As you love them and do not want things to end and would rather make them happy then yourself, and you would feel that you have failed as a person if it was to end. You continually say sorry as you think it is you. You keep forgiving and tell everyone it’s okay and make up excuses for them. E.g., he was stressed about whatever, he was not coping at work, he has a lot on etc. and I bet you have reasons too.

And not everyone says something as it is your life and journey, and you need to make your own choice. but when you finally get away and things end. When things feel like you are at your lowest, heart is broken, maybe put on some weight, maybe you have or are sick or going through shit, turned to alcohol, drugs etc or you just do not want to do life. And the people in your life start to say, ‘you look so good’ ‘you look happier and healthier’ and ‘you are brave and strong.’ And you think to yourself how is this possible!

Then after some time and talking to people you realise you were in such a toxic chapter in your life. But nothing takes away from the fact you loved that person and maybe still do, you miss them. You still went through it, still are, struggling to breathe, struggling to find happiness, struggling to stay positive, keeping your head up and just being alone! It is so hard and some days you just want to say fuck it.

But all this, feeling like this and going through this is better than staying in that relationship.

A ‘Lot More Free’ by Max McNown
I’m a little bit hurt but a lot more free
I ain’t saying that you never took a toll on me
For what it’s worth, I can finally see
That I’m a little bit hurt but a lot more free
Yeah, I’m a little bit hurt but a lot more free

The pain is real, these lyrics are true and I love them and I have cried. But I would not go back, I would rather be free and healthy in a way.

He has not apologised for what he did, never will, blames me for it all, says the worst of things and will never forgive me.

Even if he changed, got help, turned around and apologised etc, took blame, and became a new person. I still would not go back.

I thought I made the right choice with my ex-husband and ex. But we live, learn, and keep going. I came out stronger last time I can do it again. and if you have been down similar road or are, you got this.

Because I know I am free, I am myself, I am happier and I can do this, well I do my best. The days are hard. I miss dating, doing life with that someone. In saying this, I am scared to date again, as you don’t know the person. And my man the right one, might not be out there. And I could be just me for the rest of my life. and I will have to be okay with that. (And then I read this… (picture below))

How I Met Your Mother Season 9, episode 8 Barney talks with his Mum
It is about Barney and Robin getting married and Loretta just found out Robin can’t have kids.
Barneys Mum, so no grandchildren. Barney’s response: ‘I’m not marrying some future possibility of starting a family. I’m marrying a girl. Who means more to me than kids. Or my career. Or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending. So please, be nice to her.’

I love Barney’s response. As that is what I want for me and you. Especially being told, being a Mum is highly impossible. Being scared to go through it all again. The tests, the heart ache, the tears, the numb feelings, the kilometers, the doctors and the results. It is very scary and an emotional roller-coaster.

This is what scares me the most. What if my body doesn’t work at all. And what I have been told is 100% correct. Or if I have a girl and she gets what I have or goes through similar things to me. I couldn’t bare that. I think that would be worse.
Might not be about being a parent it could be something else. But it still stands, your parent and in reverse needs to accept you for you and what you bring to the relationship.

You would hope that your next person would accept you for you, love you for you are inside and out. And you wouldn’t have to change, you can be yourself and never loose yourself again. Hopefully your next chapter or the chapter you are in your story or you are at the start of your great story.

You are not finished, you have a story to tell.