I met my ex-husband at age 20 married at 22. At age 24 we started to try for a family. We never used protection and nothing happened. we went to doctors. Specialists, endless tests etc. 4 years in and hundreds of tests. We got told ivf is what we need to do. So, we go to Sydney. Got told I need to lose weight and it might not work. As the hormone tablets have not been working for you. We leave Sydney and head home, to start the ivf journey. Then that year my ex got in trouble at work, he got suspended and we had to go to court etc. He was off work for 9 months, in the 9 months I would go to work, do the house chores, cooking etc. All while trying and do what the doctors said. He ended having 9 months off work, in this time he became abusive (verbal) and a horrible person and everything was my fault. Name calling, verbal and blamed me that we could not have kids. He treated me like an inmate (he worked in the Jail). (I did not see this at the time) so I put up with it and continued to love him and do what I could to get the man I married back. I even got his name tattooed on me to try and prove I am his. Through thick and thin. But nope. You never want your marriage to end.
After months of going through this, we were in separate rooms and tried to have dates but he was not interested. I could not take it so we had breaks from each other and then we would miss each other and come back, then it would go in circles. So, after months of this, I then suggested we have a break from each other for 2 weeks, not much contact and let us think about what we want. He went to a friend’s house for that time I stayed home. I missed him more than ever and wanted my husband back. But felt we needed to do this.

We met after the 2 weeks I had written a letter 4 pages back and front. Pouring out my heart. Not knowing I was wasting my time. He did not seem interested and I knew something was up. (I had this feeling)
So I asked him. If he had met someone and was still keen on us. He said no and I do not think we are in love anymore. It is not healthy. I agreed to a degree and suggested counselling, he was not interested in me or making us work. I did not want to lose my husband. So that was it. Our relationship Ended.
weeks later I found out that 2 days into our break, he made an online dating account and met someone and was talking to her. That killed my soul and crushed my already broken heart. And I am so Thankful as the night I found out, my siblings were visiting and one had called on video chat. We were playing cards and I lost it. I will always remember that night. I cannot thank my siblings enough for being there at the right time.

My background is Chirstian. So, you get taught you married and date one person and stand by your man. So, I tried but when it is not there from the other person you only can go so far. I always loved him and still care for him. But I am not in love! And I wish him all the happiness.
He is a dad and that is what he always wanted. And I could not give him that. At the time I hate it all. Heartbroken. Crushed. Went to work in tears. Could not keep myself together.
Took years to be where I am. And I am happier than I was with him. But he will always be my first love and my first best mate.
And, if I had of stayed with him. He would most likely hate me or have a grudge towards me for not having kids. And I would hate myself and think it is all my fault. And that is not healthy. We would have destroyed each other. But I have learnt so much about myself and found out who I am. And I have lived life. Looking back, I would not change my story or wish I never met him. We had great times, fun, laughter, love, adventures, we had an amazing relationship.

Everybody has a story. I am not telling mine for empathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I am who I am today because I went through this and still going through health stuff. But I am hoping to offer help, guidance, light, love and let you know it is okay and you do not have to be scared and you are not alone. If you want to message me privately. You can click on my Facebook or Instagram symbol bottom of page, and I am there.
I am real, honest, open and no bullshit.